Today was supposed to be my 25th wedding anniversary with the love of my life, my best friend, my soul mate, the man I was supposed to grow old with. Instead, it is the first time in 25 years that I don't have a wedding anniversary.
I didn't come into today thinking it would be easy or just another day. It's the day that marks one of the happiest days of my life, a major milestone not just in 1996, but hitting that silver anniversary in 2021.
Except, we didn't hit that silver anniversary. And to be honest, my heart is broken over it.
But I am working hard to not dwell on what could have been or should have been and to focus on celebrating every victory. So to celebrate today, I'm starting down a new path of healing. When you put your story on paper - even digital paper - you no longer carry it inside you and it makes room for something better...happiness, adventure, maybe even love.
It would have been easy to get sucked into the sadness of what today was supposed to be, and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I am carrying some sadness with me. Divorce is a loss, like death, and you have to mourn it and all the milestones that surround it.
Months ago, I made a list of those milestones...the day he moved out, our daughter's birthday with us apart, that first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's apart, then my birthday, and Valentine's day - the 25th anniversary of when he proposed, then each of our son's birthdays, each doctor appointment when I had to reveal change of marital status (and, in my case, change of name) - the PCP, gynecologist, dentist, eye doctor, urologist, skin specialist, as well as the divorce being finalized, Mother's Day, Father's Day, our anniversary, his birthday, the anniversary of the day I kicked him out, which strangely was also the 25th anniversary of our relationship, and finally, the one year anniversary of our divorce.
It's one hell of a list, but making that list has helped me to mentally prepare for how I did and will feel on each of those days, and plan for how I to survive. There have been, of course, the milestones I didn't account for, like him telling the kids he has a girlfriend and then changing his Facebook status to in a relationship. Those hurt and my anger festered because I had not prepared myself. To be honest, I still haven't fully dealt with them.
My journey, though, is not just a story about trauma and tragedy. Through all the hurt and pain, I have found great emotional strength, which has helped me to recognize and acknowledge the negative energy that he brought to our marriage, our family, and to me, and thus have been able to once again honor myself with positive energy and authenticity in the person I am. My journey has just begun, and I believe this new volume in my life is going to be the best one yet.
Comments