Elusive Words & Sentiments

One of the biggest emotions I've had to deal with in the aftermath of my husband cheating is the absence of regret...not on my part, but from him. Well, now, from both of the hims, the ex-husband and from my recently ended relationship.

I remember one time asking my friend to remind me about something. Then I said, if I forgot, it wasn't my fault. The ex called me out on this, saying something about me not taking responsibility. I actually took that to heart and I stopped putting my responsibilities onto other people. I expected him to live the same way since he was one the one who pointed out that flaw. He, however, ended up living with no integrity.

He never took responsibility for the decisions he made, the actions he chose. In the summer of 2016, he opted to start texting with multiple women, even sharing nude pictures. When I confronted him, he said he would stop, but that was a lie. He continued and that gateway led him to a physical affair.

At that time, I took responsibility for my role in our marriage falling apart. While I didn't blame myself for his bad decisions, I did accept that in a marriage, if someone cheats, there is something wrong in the relationship, and I wanted for us to fix that.

He wasn't so willing. He only went to three personal therapy sessions and he barely spoke a word at our marriage counseling sessions. More evident, he never changed his behavior, which is why he traveled down the rabbit hole of cheating again, ultimately ending our marriage four years after I first confronted him.

Upon discovering the physical affair, I put the cordless phone in his hands and made him call his parents to tell them of his infidelity. He told his father he was ashamed, but for me, it seemed he was only ashamed because he got caught, not because of the decisions he had made that led us to that moment.

For so long, four years, really, and longer, I was desperate for him to tell me he regretted the decisions he made. I needed those words, longed for them every moment of every day.

Those words never came. Not after I first confronted him. Not after the first physical affair. Not after the last time when I'd had enough and filed for divorce.

I learned that waiting for someone to give you closure is like waiting for the dead to bury themselves. Do yourself a favor and grab a shovel. -Unknown

I had to accept that I would never hear those words. Maybe it was because he didn't feel regret, that divorce was his end-game and he was too much of a coward to ask for it. Everything else in our marriage had to be my decision, so it should be no surprise that he would put the decision to end our marriage in my hands. Maybe it was because of his inability to communicate, the root of our marriage issues. I spent countless hours - wasted - speculating the why.

I had to do the work to move beyond this. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fast. I can't even outline how I got over my desperate need for his regret. When he left our home to move into his own apartment, he offered what I perceived as a feeble apology. "I'm sorry for doing this to our family." It provided no comfort, no closure. I didn't believe the apology was sincere.

Your healing does not depend on someone else's apology. Their lack of accountability is your confirmation to let go and move on. -@ARIELA1122 from PeacefulMindPeacefulLife

Now, here I am two years after the divorce and I once again find myself living in the aftermath of a cheater. After my guy of almost 2 years propositioned another woman, a young woman with whom I have a tight bond, I ended our relationship. When I confronted him, he said nothing. I didn't expect an apology this time. Experience with my ex-husband has taught me not to place unrealistic expectations on these situations.

It takes discipline to redirect my thoughts and not dwell on the whys, but I am better equipped emotionally this time around. All of the self-work and self-care I've done since 2016 is helping me get through this new trauma much more easily than the last time. A broken heart is a broken heart, though, and broken trust is devastating, so I am allowing myself those moments to feel all the feelings...the anger, the hurt, the sadness. But I'm not dwelling and I'm not waiting for an apologize or any words expressing regret.

Something will grow from what you are going through. And it will be you. -Unknown

Don't ever stop healing and finding ways to be a better person. Do that instead of waiting for elusive words and sentiments you are owed but will likely never receive.