People You May Know

Facebook thinks it is so wise, but it has offered some situations that I was not at all prepared to handle gracefully (learn from me, my padowans).

The first was when the ex and his new girlfriend changed their relationship status to "In a relationship with" each other. This is one of those milestones I hadn't prepared for because the ex wasn't even on Facebook when we separated.

I am not friends with him on Facebook (I'm not ready to be friends with him in real life, forget about social media), so I actually heard from someone else that he had changed his relationship status.

That sent me into an obsessive spiral.

Our divorce wasn't even final, and while I knew he was dating this woman, the change in relationship status cut deep. The knife went even deeper when I saw the date: December 5.

Questions I will never have the answers to and inner dialogue started pummeling me:

• Was I really that awful to be married to?

• It's not that he didn't want a relationship, he just didn't want one with me.

• Was he seeing her (in addition to "Hannah") when I busted him in October?

• Did he change his status just to hurt me?

• Is he really that oblivious to how this would hurt me or was this a deliberate jab?

We had not even filed for divorce by then. The paperwork was in his hands, but he had yet to complete his portion. This is reminiscent of when he took on our finances and failed to pay the bills.

I was also dating, so maybe this is a bit hypocritical, and I own that, but I knew I was rebounding and there would be no change to my Facebook relationship status. Also...

{{Jumps on soapbox}}

...he is the one who cheated on me and ultimately forced an end to our marriage, so as far as I'm concerned, I have every right to feel what I feel.

{{Jumps off soapbox}}

By the way (for those who are wondering), I am no longer dating the guy I was dating back in December...like I said, rebounding.

So yeah, this status cut pretty deep and I obsessed over it for longer than I should have, but that is how I process things.

Now, though, Facebook thinks that the ex's girlfriend is someone I may know.

No, thank you, Facebook. No thank you, indeed.

She comes up because she is friends with two of my kids. I have no issue with that. And really, I have nothing against this woman. If anything, I feel sorry for her, but that's a story for another time.

Despite the fact I don't want to be friends with her (neither on Facebook, nor in real life), it took me way too long to press "Remove" on the suggestion.

One of my coping mechanisms is to obsess over things. I don't know if it's a Capricorn thing, or a writer thing, or due to anxiety, or a combo off all these things, but I can't remember ever not being like this. I'm a work in progress, so it is one of those unhealthy behaviors I continue to work on.

Then my friend Bear (who is a positive influence in my life and one of my greatest supporters) posted about "People You May Know," and it made me laugh at myself and my obsessive behaviors.

It really should have been this easy. As an instructional designer, I do a tremendous amount of technical writing, so I even have the perfect instruction:

When the girlfriend appears in People You May Know, click Remove.

Simple, right? Maybe if Bear's post had come up sooner, I would have acted to eradicate my obsessive behavior, but there's also the old saying, "better late than never."

The next time the girlfriend popped up as Someone You May Know, I was inspired by Bear's perspective and I finally hit Remove.

It was a tremendous relief.

Now I know that Facebook isn't going to keep sending her to my feed, and thus trigger obsessive thoughts that I really need to let go.

My advice in this situation is to close your eyes and rip that Band-aid off. Then celebrate!!

While she isn't doing anything direct or deliberate to hurt me, her presence in my life does hurt. I don't need Facebook to keep offering her up for more jabs. You don't need that either.

Whether it is your ex or the new person in your ex's life, don't let computer applications feed the frenzy. Hit "Remove" - whether with a graceful and polite "no thank you" or something more emotional such as a big "No F__king Way!" Ask your friends for support, or even, hand them your phone or other device and ask them to hit "Remove" for you. You won't regret it, and once you do it, you will feel such a sense of relief that you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

Happy Healing!!