Since I'm a romance author, I'm sure your mind jumped right to something spicy, but this story is actually about the darkness in my soul...or lack thereof.
During one of my many rounds of therapy, my therapist at the time, Allison, did an art therapy exercise with me.
She gave me a piece of paper and a box of crayons, then stepped me through the exercise. First I had to draw a circle, then inside the circle, I had to draw a tree. I could choose any colors I wanted and draw it however I wanted. I had to add leaves, mountains, color the sky, and any other elements I wanted. Then I had to name it.
At the end of the exercise, I ended up with this picture:
It was May or June of 2018 when I had this therapy session. In February, I'd had surgery to remove a tumor from my right kidney that turned out to be cancer. Our marriage was on an upswing (I'd been ready for divorce the previous November when the tumor was first found, but decided one thing at a time, so put my energy into healing my kidney), and we had even decided to renew our vows. Despite everything I had been through over the previous two years (his online and physical affairs, losing my job and starting a new one, then cancer), Allison concluded that, based on this drawing, there was no darkness in my soul.
For me, who was still obsessing over his affairs, and worrying that the cancer was genetic (it's not) and my kids were at risk, hearing that there was no darkness in my soul was a huge relief and helped lift my spirits.
When I'm struggling, I tend to let dark thoughts fill my head. Nothing suicidal, more directed outward at the people who hurt me. I've often thought that if there were no repercussions, I'd be well suited to seek revenge. Having morals, though, keeps me on the straight and narrow.
And that's where being a fiction writer helps. One of the things I was struggling with was lack of closure with the woman whom he'd had the physical affair with. I had wanted to confront her, but my two closest friends encouraged me not to. There were other reasons I chose not to as well, but this is covered in a chapter of my book Thriving in the Aftermath, so I don't want to spoil that for you.
Allison encouraged me to write the confrontation into one of my novels as a way to seek closure. I love that idea. In the book I can do anything I want: simply give her a piece of my mind...or go darker and...hit her, stab her, poison her, feed her body to the wolves, offer her up as a non-virginal sacrifice or tribute. Whatever.
I have yet to do that, maybe because there is no darkness in my soul, or maybe because I have happier things to write about in my novels and they don't require conflict at that level.
How is your soul after a devastating end to your relationship...or your partner's betrayal? Do you struggle with dark thoughts, and if so, how do you achieve your own spring fling?
Comments