When you've spent the past 25 years with someone, being on your own can pose some welcome and some seemingly insurmountable challenges.
Take a recent situation, for example...
People have given me all kinds of tips to zip dresses, but none of them are useful given the structure of the zipper for this particular dress. I am left to struggle. I even commented on Facebook that if my dogs knew how to zip a dress, my life would be perfect. They are adorable, but not at all helpful when it comes to dressing or undressing.
I write about a lot of heavy topics, and being alone for the first time in over two decades has had it's share of emotional challenges, so I wanted to be a little funny and lighten the mood before I reminisce about the darker times. By the way, isn't that dress I'm wearing fabulous? I got it for $7.00 on the clearance rack at Kohl's while I was out on a girl's shopping day with a couple of my closest tribe-mates.
Self-care with friends is very important to surviving and thriving!!
There have been days, not as of late, but early in our separation, when I wanted to curl up in the fetal position and just forget about the hurt and devastation. I found it particularly challenging to be "alone" when I had a difficult day - a bad day at the office, for example. While I have plenty of friends to talk to and vent to, it's not the same as having a loving partner to offer a hug and a shoulder, and share a beer with while you rant and vent and let it all out. That is what I missed in the beginning...not his negativity or laziness, but that friendship that we'd shared for even longer than the 25 years we were a couple.
I found ways to keep myself busy and other outlets for that bad-day or just general angst, but there were days when I just couldn't deal with it. On those days, I did end up in the fetal position, on the couch, loathing not myself, but the feelings I couldn't seem to let go. One day it was so bad that I messaged the Schwan's guy and told him not to bother stopping by (it was his regular every two-weeks delivery day). Since he's a friend, I later told him of my horrible state and how I didn't want him (or anyone) to see me like that. He scoffed in support, letting me know he was there to offer a hug and a shoulder, no matter what state I was in. I have since discovered that he's a great hugger, so that's a bonus every other Thursday.
He's not the only one who has offered that level of support. I have a tribe, many of whom will drop what they are doing and be there for me no matter what.
When you are living through a trauma, it's important to find that tribe and keep them close.
More important, you have to reach out to them even when you don't know what you need. A simple, "I'm miserable and need a hug," or "Please force me to get in the shower," or "Can you bring me a snack?" is all it takes.
It's also important to communicate what you DO NOT need. "I'm not looking for advice, I just don't want to be alone," or "I don't want to talk right now" are clear directives for your support network. I have also told my friends that when I get into a deep funk, to not give me options, but to basically order me around. "Let's go for a walk," or "We're going to watch a funny movie," or "I'm bringing my pedicure kit over." When someone is depressed, and especially if that person has anxiety issues, giving them choices can feed the fire and overwhelm them.
Even if you're not up for getting out of the house (though, you always should - fresh air is a miracle elixir), take advantage of technology. When I can't get together with my tribe in person, we video call, and sometimes, that is exactly what the doctor ordered.
On a good day, make note of what works for you and what you need (or don't need) on your bad days, and let your tribe know. That way, when the bad days come around, and they always do, all of you are ready to take them head on!!
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